Thursday, July 28, 2016

Now on HBO: Jupiter Ascending (2015)

Jupiter Ascending (2015) - Written and Directed by Andy, Lana Wachowski; Starring Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean.

By Kenny Howell

In Jupiter Ascending, Channing Tatum plays a dog man, although he says he is more like a dog than a human.

"I like dogs, I've always loved dogs" said Mila Kunis' character, trying to win his affection as one does with a dog man.

Even though he is mostly dog, as he says, the only thing we see of him that is sort of dog like is pointy ears. Almost like elf ears. And some eye liner. Everything else is pure C-Tates. He flies around on these hover shoes that kind of act like they are roller skates through the air. He can defeat the vaccuum of space by holding his breath (I think?). Oh, and he also has wings which he is trying to get back. Like

Mila Kunis character, the Jupiter of the title, is some kind of royalty. Since she is, bees fly around her but don't bother her because bees are biologically engineered to respect royalty.

I shouldn't have to go any further with this review. But I will tell you there is an ancient civilization that lives in space, and Earth is one of its royal's property. They started life on the planet. They even killed off all the dinosaurs. Then they made people to create some kind of fountain of youth type machine. Earth doesn't know about this because they are concealed from them, even when they are fighting through the streets of Chicago, kind of like some kind of Matrix type thing. I wonder where they got that idea.

Jupiter works on those streets as a janitor. However, she finds out she is the heir to the throne of this space society. One of the royals, Balem Abrasax, played by Eddie Redmayne who sounds like he is constantly choking on a chicken bone, plays the bad guy who is going to screw this whole thing up for Jupiter because he doesn't want her to take his planet away.

So yeah, space fighting and flying dogmen and iguana type things ensue, and this gets sillier by the minute, just not in a good way.

Jupiter Ascending is now playing on HBO.

Rating: 1/2 a star

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